Peeping through the Veil

Most of the times, I feel as if I am behind a veil watching the world go about its business. It is not my religion or my culture that decrees wearing of a veil by females in public places. It is a personal disposition of sorts that I have had for years, from my childhood perhaps.

A psychiatrist might call it a mild depression. I am not sure, for the only time I gathered up courage to visit one was when I cried so much before, during and after the appointment. I do not remember much what happened. Or the diagnosis or the prognosis. I only remember being looked at suspiciously, as if I really were mentally very unstable. I was prescribed medication, that I never took.

In retrospect, I think I had gone to talk, to find empathy, sympathy even. I just wanted a confirmation of my existence, that it was not a mistake and that the veil would not be defining. That somebody understood. That day, I came back empty handed.

The veil exists very really for me. I feel as if I am separated from the world, looking on but unable to feel much of what is going on. I am watching a movie but I am not part of it. I rarely feel involved and when I do, it is exhilarating. The exhilaration does not last long.

It is rather tiring after a while. Draining. Sucking the life energy out of me as if I had much to start with. I want a solution. My mind races on, through all that I have heard about or read about or thought about. The various theories, the exhortations, the strategies. I have been through most of them. I want one solution. Not a series. One definitive step.

Then I turn to Gratitude. I sit down with my journal, the one I had set aside. Bright yellow, in hope of brightening my days. I write down ten reasons I am grateful. I put it away. The next morning, I have a date with my Gratitude journal again. I write down ten more reasons for my supposed happiness. Each time I do this, the veil gets translucent. I can glimpse more of the outside. I make it a routine. Each morning. Twice a day, when things as looking up. Sometimes I slide back into despair. But I pick myself up. For nowhere else would I find The Solution.

Thanks to the practice of Gratitude, the veil seems to be slipping. And in the glimpse of the world, I see pieces of myself.

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8 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing something so personal! I love your gratitude journal and how that is slowly lifting your veil. Keep at it! And let me confirm what you wanted so long ago from your psychiatrist….you are NOT a mistake!

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  2. I read this before but didn’t take the time to comment and I’m sorry I was in such a hurry. This is beautifully written and tugs at my heart. Though I never wore a veil, I most often felt that I didn’t matter, and when the world did see me it seemed to be with disdain or ridicule, and I wished it hadn’t. But that was long ago. What helped me was finding a relationship with my Creator, the Lord Jesus Christ. I matterered (still do) to Him. You matter to Him too, and to me.

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  3. Well, i’m behind in my emails again (seems to be becoming a habit). It is now Dec. 5. Just want to know I’m not ignoring you, and haven’t forgotten. And God REALLY loves you. We can come to Him as if we were still little children, and picture ourselves sitting in His lap, pouring our hearts out to Him. Then we can feel His hug, a kiss on the forehead, and the assurance that, in His time, He will handle whatever is wrong. And though we grow impatient, His timing is always right and perfect, even when we don’t understand it. God bless.

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